


[Meta] An Outstretched Hand

by failpail (shamebucket)



Category: Room No. 9 (Visual Novel), さらざんまい | Sarazanmai (Anime)
Genre: Essays, Meta, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-06-30 09:12:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19850056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shamebucket/pseuds/failpail
Summary: Meta, not a fanfic.The author of this essay humbly compares his two favorite ships and shows how they are similar and different. Originally posted to twitter, edited for clarity, new information, and better formatting after Sarazanmai finished airing. Contains explicit spoilers for all of Sarazanmai (including supplementary materials up through the second novel) and minor/implied spoilers for Room No. 9.Room No. 9 is an R18 video game that is mostly depressing/disturbing porn so do not read this if you're a minor.





	[Meta] An Outstretched Hand

The child was homeless and rejected by society. The sky was dark and he was utterly alone, without a family, scoffed at, without a place to go. A hand reached out, softer than his, and offered him solace. He loved that hand, felt that he didn't deserve its kindness, and yet a deep, hidden part of him also wanted to destroy it. It was a hand to dirty and defile... and, eventually, he did. 

This is the core of the beginning of what are probably my two favorite ships, if not of all time, then at least at the moment - Daichi and Seiji from Room No. 9 and Reo and Mabu from Sarazanmai. Since I got into Sarazanmai, I have been thinking a lot about how these ships share a large thematic core but are executed in different ways so they have wildly different (although both satisfying) relationship arcs. And, because shipping is such a personal thing at least for me, I wanted to archive my thoughts in hopes that some may understand where I am coming from.

Since Room No. 9 isn't out in English yet (and is also... The Most NSFW to the point where for most people it's probably NSFL and there is nothing wrong with you if you feel that way), I'm going to try to be as vague as possible with spoilers but they'll be inevitable. Sarazanmai is fair game for spoilers. I'm going into this assuming most people reading this probably have less of an idea about what RN9 is about since its audience is more niche.

Content warnings for people who have not experienced both of these medias: discussed sexual violence/abuse/rape, domestic violence and child abuse, murder (including children) and death.

~*~

For the uninitiated, RN9 has a relatively simple nukige plot: fuck or die, with a slight twist that physical mutilation could be a substitute for the forced sex acts. Our heroes ("straight" best friends since middle school, now 21 year old college students) are given a choice between two daily options when they find themselves trapped in a hotel room during their summer vacation: Daichi could sexually debase Seiji, or Seiji could physically harm Daichi. (Daichi is the playable character, first person perspective with sprites. Also the one who tops exclusively.) Refusal to comply with these rules means they don't get fed, and delays their escape by at least another day. They have to do these tasks for a minimum of ten days to be freed. These tasks are tailored to them specifically and their mental states - the tasks change depending on what they choose and vary slightly depending on what route you pick.

Daichi wants to be tender and loving, but he can't. The tasks don't allow him to be. It's impossible. 

Probably unsurprisingly, the bulk of the game is very tense and unsettling sexual content - parade (in my opinion) improved on its formula that it started with its previous work (No Thank You!!!) by having every sex scene feel meaningful to either Daichi's character development or Seiji's, or having it showcase how things change between them. I won't go into the nitty gritty details of that, but how Daichi treats Seiji during the coerced sex is a determining factor in what kind of ending you end up getting. This is pretty unusual, at least among the eroge that I've played - typically these choices are more window dressing than anything, but considering Seiji's safety (both mental and physical) with even the smallest of choices actually matters here. There are three routes with six endings and most of them are heart-breakingly sad!

The promotional materials only vaguely touched on Daichi and Seiji's backstory, but the game makes things a lot more clear. They both consider themselves each other's best friend, but they'd never admit it out loud. From the first few lines, it's pretty obvious it goes way beyond that with Daichi - his idolization of Seiji is borderline embarrassing and even though he never says it outright and in fact internally denies it, it's also incredibly obvious that he has a massive crush. The website lists Daichi as an orphan with no family to speak of. It's revealed pretty early on that Daichi is a survivor of child abuse: on the first day, he "jokes" with Seiji that he can handle a little pain since his dad smacked him around so much as a kid. (Seiji doesn't find the joke very funny.) We later learn that he was abandoned during summer vacation his first year of middle school - his parents up and left without a word or note, taking everything with them. Nobody believed in him because he was a poor kid who didn't have any parents and wasn't particularly good at school... Nobody except for Seiji.

Seiji stayed with him through everything and helped him graduate from middle school and (according to supplementary materials) even went to a high school that his wealthy family thought was below him so he could stay in school alongside Daichi. Although they part ways in university, Daichi really looks up to Seiji for changing his life and encouraging him to make something of himself (he becomes an elementary school teacher). While the game is only in Daichi's point of view save for one scene, it's pretty clear that Seiji admires Daichi too and thinks highly of him. Many people still don't see any worth in Daichi as a person, but Seiji sees that he's hard-working, honest, and inherently likeable. "Daichi, you really are amazing," Seiji tells him a few times in the face of adversity. Daichi brushes it off and tells him to not be weird or that it's nothing, but the looks Seiji gives him implies that the crush Daichi has on him may not be one-sided.

This just makes the fact that they are forced to hurt each other in the worst ways even more painful. in some of the most tragic of the bad endings, Daichi remembers the night where he sat on the stoop of the convenience store, hungry and tired, when Seiji offers him a hand, and it twists the knife in more deeply. Without spoiling specifics, in one ending, desperation grips them both. Daichi holds tight until the very end, right after he remembers the kindness spared to him, weeping openly as his fingers curl.

~*~

Admittedly, I don't watch anime as much as I used to, but Sarazanmai feels pretty special. I value its message and I enjoyed all of the characters. While the anime certainly could have benefited from being longer, I think the team did the best that they could with the time they were allotted. The first seven episodes of the anime were enough to get me heavily invested in Reo and Mabu's relationship, although reading the Twitter, manga, and light novels were a big help in fleshing out what makes them so much fun to ship.

Reo and Mabu have a very deep, rich, and established relationship that is clear from the beginning of whatever media you choose to pick up first. The manga shows that they sleep in the same room and are close enough to comfortably raise a child together - that, along with the fact that they share a bank account, makes it pretty clear that they are romantically bonded (even if they were not shown to hug or kiss). The biggest mystery, for those who read the manga before watching the anime, was what the Hell happened between them. Something definitely changed - while you could see shadows of their former selves beneath, they definitely acted more antagonistic towards each other than they had previously. Reo, especially, seemed very changed - he was a goofy, happy-go-lucky guy in the manga and Twitter, but he appeared quicker to anger in the anime. Mabu acted differently as well, much colder and to the point. 

It becomes clear later on. They have been placed in a cruel experiment beyond either of their control. Reo has to kill Mabu, or Mabu has to confess his love to Reo for them to escape this endless torture chamber, crafted specifically for them. They remain in place for ten years before they reach their breaking point. All they want is to connect, but they can't. It's impossible under these circumstances. 

When episode seven aired and provided more context, ReoMabu was cemented as one of my favorite ships. The miscommunication, the mutually destructive self-sacrifice, their unrequited feelings despite having been so close (and more or less explicitly sexually entangled before the anime takes place), the sense of duty they have towards each other despite (or perhaps because of) everything, it all creates this cocktail of my favorite tropes in one wonderful package. I think one of the things that really makes me ship them is the contrast between the fluffy manga and everything that happens between them in the anime - actually being able to see the breakdown in communication is really interesting, and I don't think I'd enjoy either part of their relationship as much without the other.

In the novels, both of them think about an idyllic moment while they suffer alone. Mabu reaches out his hand to a homeless Reo, back when they were children. Reo is dirty and it's raining. Reo wants to dirty Mabu's clean hand - and he does, splashing it with mud and scratching him so hard that he bleeds. When Mabu dies in the anime, he repeats the same words he said to Reo upon their meeting, Reo holding onto his hand.

~*~

Daichi doesn't hate himself or anything at the beginning of the VN, but he doesn't have a very high opinion of himself either (especially in comparison to Seiji) and, depending on the choices you make, Daichi's self-image can distort and drop significantly. There are parts of him that are a little twisted (as seen even on day 2 - he sees a lurid grin in the mirror when he thinks about seeing Seiji in a sexual situation, but he shakes his head and tells himself that that's weird and he shouldn't do that), but there are events from the game that can push him to some pretty intense extremes. This is most evident in routes 1 and 2, especially 1. While it _is_ his fault that things go as far as they do because there are many, many options for him to back off and learn from his mistakes, it hurts seeing his transformation from a guy who writes in the margins of his psych class "I will not continue the cycle of abuse!" to justifying abusing Seiji in the worst ways, especially considering that Seiji is the only person who's very close to him. It's also tragic seeing that Daichi only accepts that he might have feelings for Seiji in the route where he treats him the worst - "If I'm gay now, at least it's with Seiji," he thinks to himself, resigned, as he gets ready to abuse him in terrible ways. What makes it all the more disturbing is that he doesn't especially enjoy abusing Seiji, either - he just thinks it's what he was destined to do since both of his parents are so fucked up. Trash begets trash. Clearly, this is the only outcome for him.

But... that's not the whole story.

~*~

Reo thinks that he's doing the right thing, and that's the tragedy with ReoMabu in the anime. He has to save Mabu, the Mabu that died in his arms during the attack on the Kappa Kingdom. He'd do anything to get Mabu back - the man who saved him, the man who loved him, the man he's spent a significant part of his life living alongside and working with. He's not above doing terrible things, up to and including murdering children, and believes he is justified in doing so. He lost everyone in the War, and he's not going to let Mabu get taken away from him, too.

There's a problem with this (beyond the obvious). Mabu is already here.

Mabu's death changed the both of them, but he was brought back to life and is still living and working alongside Reo. He is not the fake Reo assumes he is. Despite his literal inability to put it into words, it's pretty clear that he still loves Reo and is waiting for him to notice. Reo, expecting the same expressiveness that Mabu had in the manga, can't see this. Mabu was never one to state his feelings directly, as shown in both the manga and Twitter account, but more through actions and deeds. Even then, sometimes Reo had a difficult time understanding what mabu was trying to tell him: I'm making these sweets for you because I love you, I'm taking a picture of the moon because I'm thinking about you. He instead brushes them off with confusion or annoyance. This is exacerbated in the anime - Mabu waits patiently for a decade, doing anything to get Reo to notice him. He makes Reo's favorite food, tries to eat breakfast with him, remains by his side and is implied to endure sexual abuse to be with him. 

It takes a long time, but Reo finally gets it. "Are you... _my_ Mabu?" he asks, before clinging onto him as they embrace, naked. This cannot last. The Otter shows Reo that Mabu says and does things that he never would in the past, including sleeping with the mirror image of Reo's own desires, and Reo utterly rejects him. Again, Reo goes back to almost willfully ignoring what Mabu has to say because he's clinging so hard to the past...

But this is not the whole story.

~*~

The Daichi that abuses Seiji is not the only Daichi. The Daichi crying in the dark is not the only Daichi. The Daichi that stares, breathless with a lump in his throat, as the train door closes is not the only Daichi.

Rn9 really leans into this feeling of uncertainty more than most VNs that I've read. Even the "good ending" has an ellipsis at the end of it - while I think there's enough evidence (both internal and external) to show that Daichi and Seiji will ultimately be okay (and possibly get together), it's deliberately left ambiguous. Daichi makes some pretty bad decisions and hurts Seiji even in the best case scenario. He even tells himself that he isn't in love with Seiji in the good ending, even though he more or less admits it in other endings. This leaves a lot of room for questions and speculation.

Daichi sobs on a park bench. Daichi and Seiji take a shower together in his apartment. Daichi thinks to himself that Seiji tastes like orange juice. Daichi wakes up in an unfamiliar bed. These are all Daichi, all in one moment, expanding outwards in possibility.

Seiji smokes to get the taste out of his mouth. Seiji walks to work and doesn't see Daichi notice him. And, maybe, Seiji is eating fried rice in his new apartment, Daichi grinning and giving him a thumb's up.

Where do we go from here, from these moments? Where does Daichi go? What does he do? What becomes of Seiji, of their friendship, of whatever breaks between them or binds them tighter?

We don't know. We can't know for sure. but, I get the feeling that at least some of those Daichis will be okay, and some of those Seijis will be, too. Maybe a few of them will get together, even.

Even though most of them will not be okay, some of them will be. And that's kind of beautiful.

~*~

There is only one Reo. There is only one Mabu. They unquestionably love each other and have been together for a long time.

Mabu makes Reo soba. They play arcade games together. Sara sleeps between them in the police box, their new air conditioner humming behind them. They eat broccoli for breakfast. Reo chastises Mabu for eating floor pancakes. Mabu frowns when Reo makes a bad pun.

Reo buys Mabu red wine and pancakes for his birthday. Mabu tells Reo that the moon is beautiful, and Reo tells Mabu to hurry up and come home. The police box is filled with hundreds of ningyoyaki attempts.

Mabu's hand is dirty in Reo's as he dies. He tries to force down broccoli, despite it making him look sick. Reo, too, eats half-baked ningyoyaki, shoving it down his throat even if it disgusts him. Mabu tells Reo "That's enough" and they walk away, leaving a child bleeding in another's arms. Reo fails to see the mirror, but Mabu sees what Reo has become. He stays with him regardless. They've given up everything for each other. 

Their story funnels down further, further. Their desperation and love for each other almost seems to win, but there are other obstacles. Reo holds Mabu naked but pushes him away shortly thereafter. "I should have known you were a fake!" Mabu stays stock still as he's touched by Reo's reflection, his partner and lover looking on in horror. 

The Otter stands between them, but Mabu never gives up. A solution opens itself to him and he jumps at the chance. When Reo finally opens his eyes, Mabu says the words Reo longed to hear. The words Mabu longed to say. "I love you," he says, his arms outstretched, and explodes. 

In the end, love wins. Instead of dying, their love for each other keeps them connected and lights the way for a group of queer kids. As long as they love each other and stay connected, despite the pain and hardship, they can have hope for the future. The future may not be kind or wonderful, but it is theirs to know. From here, we can speculate, expanding outwards in possibility... but their true future seems more or less on one singular path, hand in hand, crystallizing deeper into something beautiful and rare. It's so wonderful that these two can have a happy ending.

~*~

Some things in life are certain, and others are open to interpretation. I like that there's room for both.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading my thoughts about an anime about butts and a tragic porn game. I'm [@realshamebucket](https://twitter.com/realshamebucket) on twitter if you need me for anything.


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